I know I’m going to leave this country soon. It makes me sad. The H-1B visa lottery for 2026 ended today — which means that, officially, I won’t be able to stay in the United States past June 2026. I wish I were good enough to stay. I’m not. I know that now. I was never meant to stick around. As much as I would love to belong in San Francisco, I don’t. To all my friends and lovers in the Bay Area and beyond I’d like to say: I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough, skilled enough, talented enough to be wanted and desired in this job market. I wish I were. I really do. I’ll see you again.

Before he physically assaulted me, my ex was verbally abusive for months. I can’t help but hear his voice saying: “You’re not going to make it in the U.S. You’re just not good enough. You procrastinate. Your career is mediocre. You don’t have what it takes to survive in corporate America.” I hate that he was right. But I’ll have to live with it. There’s nowhere to go now but forward.

I loved my time in the Bay Area. I built genuine new connections, rediscovered myself after I had been dismantled, and worked my ass off to make it work. But I just don’t belong here. I applied to more than 800 jobs in the last year. I couldn’t find one that would sponsor me — in my domain of expertise or outside it.

I don’t think my friends and family realize how much I needed to stay a little longer and accomplish something for myself here. I needed to belong. I needed to prove him wrong. I needed to make sense of all the damage I inflicted on my personal and professional lives. I failed.

April was my psychological deadline to give up and move on. April is tomorrow. I will give up and move on. My ex was right. I hate that he was right. But he was right. I will make peace with it eventually. And I’ll try to repair the damage if I can.

San Francisco has been the most extraordinary chapter of my life. I lost myself and reconnected with who I am. I explored new things and understood hidden truths about myself. This community welcomed me, and I wanted to belong so badly. But I didn’t belong. Wanting something — feeling desire and connection — doesn’t mean it’s meant for you. That’s the biggest lesson from the last three years of my life, and a pattern I will try to overcome: don’t mistake intensity for depth. I’m not sure there’s depth or emotional availability left for me to experience in this life. But I know it’s time to move on.